"What we have here is a failure to communi^(^&^$%$%#%~
NO CARRIER
Grandparents are grownups who have time
Grandmas don't have to be smart; they just have to be able to answer questions like: Why isn't God married?
Sometimes you're the bug. Sometimes you're the windshield. Sometimes you're the maniac behind the steering wheel.
REALITY.SYS Corrupted -
Reboot universe ([Y]/n)
Never attribute to malice what is adequately explained by stupidity.
"Adults are obsolete children." -- Dr. Seuss
It is better to keep quiet and be thought an idiot, than to speak and confirm suspicion.
Every where is walking distance if you have the time.
- Steven Wright
Don't take life too seriously... it's not like anyone gets out of it alive.
The first step towards understanding politicians is to understand the origins of the word politicians: poly - many; tic - blood sucking parasite.
A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools.
America - a country so rich and so strong we can reward the lazy and punish the productive and still survive (so far)
"Puberty is when you separate the boys from the girls. Sometimes with a crowbar."-Beakman
Coffee Facts from Dr. Science:
1) You can never brew coffee too strong.
2) You can never drink too much coffee.
3) Coffee does not make you nervous. Your own inadequacies do that.
Coffee merely increases your perception of your own inadequacies.
4) Tea is to coffee as ginger ale is to Scotch.
*Thanks to the Interstate Highway System, it is now possible*
*to travel across the country from coast to coast without *
*seeing anything. --Charles Kuralt *
Conservatives want the government to be your daddy."Pray, v. To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a singular petitioner confessedly unworthy." -- Ambrose Bierce
Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.
-- Wernher von Braun
The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
When preparing to do a battle of wits, make sure your opponent is armed.
My reality check bounced
Volvo, Video, Velcro: I came, I saw, I stuck around.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
It's alright not to like everyone you know.
Don't question authority ... It's too stupid to give a coherent answer.
Life Is a Sexually Transmitted, Terminal Disease
"Come to think of it, there are already a million monkeys on a million type- writers, and Usenet is NOTHING like Shakespeare." -- Blair Houghton
profanity is the one language that all programmers understand.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
So, I'm a poor speller. Sew me.
Steve's advice about e-mail received while on vacation:
First, read it all once. Second, read it all again and make notes of possible responses. Third, review your notes and look for redundency and conflicts. Fourth delete all your mail as well as your notes; too much time has passed for your responses to be of any use.
Virus checking initiated... completed. All viruses functioning normally.
If it aint broke, maybe we can break it.
The world is full of educated derelicts. -Calvin Coolidge
The comforting thought about the baseball ownership is this: These idiots run ballclubs and not airlines. -Keith Olbermann, ESPN
Said about herding buffalo: They can weigh a ton when fully grown; you can herd them wherever they want to go
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousand miles closer to globular cluster M13 in the constellation Hercules, and still there are some misfits who continue to insist that there is no such thing as progress. -- Ransom K. Ferm
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.
Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world. -- Dave Barry
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base. -- Dave Barry
Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again. -- F. P. Jones
Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so. -- Douglas Adams, "Last Chance to See"
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right. -- Ashleigh Brilliant
Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.
Always try to do things in chronological order; it's less confusing that way.
The most important thing in the programming language is the name. A language will not succeed without a good name. I have recently invented a very good name and now I am looking for a suitable language. -- D. E. Knuth, 1967
A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit. -- In the August 1993 issue, page 9, of PS magazine, the Army's magazine of preventive maintenance
Calvin: People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they
don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world.
Hobbes: Isn't your pants' zipper supposed to be in the front?
The overwhelming majority of people have more than the average (mean) number of legs. -- E. Grebenik
Don't worry about temptation--as you grow older, it starts avoiding you. -- Old Farmer's Almanac
"Time's fun when you're having flies." -- Kermit the Frog
I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me. -- Hunter S. Thompson
Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night." -- Charlie Brown, Peanuts [Charles Schulz]
Sacred cows make the best hamburger. -- Mark Twain
What a distressing contrast there is between the radiant intelligence of the child and the feeble mentality of the average adult. -- Sigmund Freud
The Hurrier I go, the behinder I get
I have cut it twice, and it is still too short
You know that you understand something when you can explain it to your grandmother.
I've learned that I still have a lot to learn.
92 year old, name unknown
On a tombstone in a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist
All dressed up
And no place to go.
There is an eagle in me that wants to soar, and there is a hippopotamus in me that wants to wallow in the mud. - Carl Sandberg
From a bumper sticker:
Programmers wanted: some assembly required